more jokes

Blank · Sep 11th, 2004, 10:29 PM

SAME THOUGHT
Q: Two men are on opposite sides of the Earth. One is walking a tightrope. The other is receiving oral sex from a 90-year-old woman. Both get the exact same thought at the exact same time. What is it?
A: Don't look down

TOUGHEST THING
Q: What's the toughest thing about Rollerblading?
A: Telling your parents you're gay

FIRST THING
Q: What's the first thing a woman should do when she gets out of the battered women's shelter?
A: The dishes, if she knows what's good for her.

ELEPHANTS
Q: What does an elephant use for a vibrator?
A: An epileptic.

FIRST ENCOUNTER
A couple that just met in a singles bar is having sex. The girl asks, "You haven't got AIDS have you?" He replies, "No." She responds, "Oh, thank goodness, I don't want to get that again!"

POLISH SAUSAGE
A guy goes into a store and tells the clerk, "I'd like some Polish sausage." The clerk looks at him and says, "Are you Polish?" The guy, clearly offended, says, "Well, yes I am. But let me ask you something. If I had asked for Italian sausage would you ask me if I was Italian? Or if I had asked for German bratwurst, would you ask me if I was German? Or if I asked for a kosher hot dog would you ask me if I was Jewish? Would you, huh? Would you?" The clerk says sheepishly, "Well, no." The guy says, "Well, all right then, why did you ask me if I'm Polish when I ask for Polish sausage?" The clerk replies, "Because this is Home Depot."

CRISCO
A man is wandering around a supermarket calling out at intervals, "Crisco, Crisco!" Finally a store clerk approached. "Sir, the Crisco is on aisle five." "Oh," replied the old gentleman, "I'm not looking for cooking Crisco, I am calling my wife." "Your wife is named Crisco?" the clerk asks. "No," he answered, "That's the name I use for her when we're in public. " "What do you call her when you are not in the supermarket?" asks the clerk. "Lard ass."

WEIGHT WATCHERS
A chubby woman was at her Weight Watchers meeting. "My husband insists I come to these meetings because he'd rather have sex with a woman with a trim figure," she lamented to the woman next to her. "Well," the other woman replied, "what's wrong with that?" The first woman said, "He likes to do it while I'm stuck at these damn meetings."

ANOTHER WOMAN
A guy runs into his ex-girlfriend at a bar. "I had sex with another woman last night," he tells her. "But I was thinking of you the whole time." "You miss me that much?" she asks. "No," he says, "But it kept me from finishing too fast."

FUTURE MOTHER-IN-LAW
The young man was so happy. He and his girlfriend had been dating for more than a year, so they decided to get married. The only thing bothering him was his fiance's mother. She was smart and beautiful, and would sometimes flirt with the young man, which made him uncomfortable. One day, his future mother-in-law called him and asked him to come over to check the wedding invitations. He went. She was alone, and when he arrived, she whispered that soon he was to be married, and she had lustful feelings for him that she couldn't overcome. She said that before the young man married her daughter, she wanted to make love to him just once. He was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. So, she said, "I'll go to the bedroom, and if you are up for it, just come and get me." He watched her curves as she went up the stairs. He stood there for a moment, then turned around and went to the front door, opened it and walked out of the house. To his surprise, the woman's husband was standing outside with tears in his eyes. He hugged the young man, saying how pleased he was that the young man had passed their little "test," The older man said, "We couldn't have asked for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family." The moral of the story? Always keep your condoms in the car.

TASTES LIKE
Q: What does it taste like when you give oral sex to an 80-year-old woman?
A: Depends.

THE DIFFERENCE
The main difference between men and women is that women need a reason to have sex, and men just need a place.

THE DISCOVERY
A little girl is talking to her mother and says, "Mommy, I just found out our neighbor's son has a penis like a peanut!" The mother is in shock, but tries to keep her cool. The mother says, "You mean it's small?" The little girl replies, "No, it's salty."

TRAINS
Q: What do electric trains and women's breasts have in common?
A: They were originally intended for children, but it's the men who play with them the most

THIRD GRADE
Q: A brunette, a blonde, and a redhead are all in third grade. Who has the biggest boobs?
A: The blonde, because she's 18.

MIKE
Q: Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?
A: Mace will do that to you.

SMALL FEET
Q: Why do women have smaller feet than men?
A: It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink

WHAT'S WORSE
Q: What's worse than a male chauvinist pig?
A: A woman that won't do what she's told

ETERNITY
Q: What's the definition of "eternity"?
A: The length of time between when you finish and when she leaves.

IT'S EXPENSIVE
Q: Why is divorce so expensive?
A: Because it's worth it.

COUPLE IN A CAR
A cop was patrolling near midnight at a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat calmly knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, obligingly cranked the window down, and said, "Yes, officer?" "What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing toward the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "I think she's knitting a sweater." Confused, the officer asked, "How old are you, young man?" "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about 12 minutes she'll be 17."

LONGER
Q: Why do women take longer than men to reach orgasm?
A: Who cares?

PUT YOUR COAT ON
The husband says, "Put your coat on, I'm going to the bar." His surprised wife says, "You're taking me out for a drink?" The husband says, "Don't be silly. I'm turning off the heat

A man runs into his house and yells to his wife, "Thelma! Pack up all your things. I just won the New York lottery!"

Thelma replies, "Should I pack for warm weather or cold?"

The man replies, "I don't care. Just so long as you're out of the house by noon!"

Two blondes were walking in the forest one day, when they found some tracks on the ground. The first blonde said, "I know what kind of tracks those are. Those are deer tracks."
The second blonde shook her head and said, "No, those are elk tracks." The first blonde said, "No, my daddy showed me those kind of tracks before, and those are deer tracks."
Then the second blonde said, "Well, MY daddy showed my these same exact kind of tracks, and I'm sure these are elk tracks." The two of them argued back and forth for about 15 minutes, and then a train ran them over.