Haynes: Rotate counterclockwise.
Translation: Clamp with vicegrips, then beat repeatedly with a hammer
counterclockwise.
Haynes: This is a snug fit.
Translation: You will skin your knuckles!
Haynes: This is a tight fit.
Translation: Not a hope in Hell!
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7...
Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now
you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry...
Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo...
Translation: Try lots of heat, a tin of WD40 (catering size), or a ten
pound hammer.
Haynes: Retain tiny spring...
Translation: "Shit! What was that, it nearly had my eye out!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb...
Translation: OK - that's the glass bit off, now fetch some good pliers
to dig out that pesky bayonet part.
Haynes: Lightly...
Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead
are throbbing, then re-check the manual because what you are doing now
cannot be defined as 'lightly'.
Haynes: Weekly checks...
Translation: If it ain't broke, don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance...
Translation: If it ain't broke... it's about to be!
Haynes: One wrench rating.
Translation: Your Mom could do this... so how did you manage to botch
it up?
Haynes: Two wrench rating.
Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low,
tiny, little number... but you also thought the wiring diagram was a map
of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three wrench rating.
Translation: But Nissans are easy to maintain right... right? So you think
three Nissan wrenches has got to be like a 'regular car' two wrench job.
Haynes: Four wrench rating.
Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you pleb!
Haynes: Five wrench rating.
Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride in it afterwards!!!
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this...
Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress...
Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at,
throw at the garage wall, then search in the dark corner of the garage for
it while muttering "bugger" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect...
Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are
looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife/so "Yep, as I
thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully...
Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut...
Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Adjust gap to specified distance.
Translation: Ha-ha - got you again - you can search this book forever and
you won't find it!
Haynes: Get an assistant...
Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Turning the engine will be easier with the spark plugs removed.
Translation: However, starting the engine afterwards will be much harder.
Once that sinking pit of your stomach feeling has subsided, you can start
to feel deeply ashamed as you gingerly refit the spark plugs.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal.
Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Using a suitable drift...
Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Everyday toolkit
Translation: Ensure you have a credit Card & Mobile Phone
Haynes: Apply moderate heat...
Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat.
Haynes: The bearing inner races can be released by applying light leverage.
Translation: There is absolutely no way those inner races will budge
without the application of a puller (which you haven't got) and a lot of swearing.
Haynes: Index
Translation: List of all the things in the book except the thing you want to
do!
NB: Haynes Manuals are (c)opyright of a very disturbed sadist
Yep, that just about sums up a Haynes manual. Best thing is when they tell you to remove something to get to something else, but they in no way ever describe how to remove it! Haynes manuals are about as useful when fixing your car as the tire changing sticker is to someone removing a transmission.
__________________
1998 Nissan Frontier XE/2wd/5spd 1 owner, 264k miles
1985 Olds Cutlass, 350 Chevy, owned for 14 years
WANTED: 1968-1973 Datsun 510 or 1991-1994 Sentra SE-R http://www.myspace.com/junkyardengineer
Haha and I thought I was the only one who thinks Haynes manuals are absolutely useless...
I've gotten 10 times more useable information searching the forums than I've ever gotten out of a Haynes manual. Hell, it couldn't even help me find my oil filter the first time I changed my oil. I ended up getting under the car, shutting my eyes, and reaching up and feeling around before I found it on the back of the block...
__________________
Is this forum still full of n00bs learning that you can't boost your daily driver on a part time retail income?
Location: Cola, South Carolina MoFo Status: Teh Black
Posts: 2,641
damn, i laughed 'til I cried. very accurate translation.
__________________ Hendrix
"Have you heard of the chain of command? It's the chain I beat you with until you realize that I'm in command" - Firefly, Jayne. Affirmative Action MoFo
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