Differences between men and women
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
2. A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
3. A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend. A successful woman is one who can find such a man.
4. To be happy with a woman you must love her a lot and not try to understand her at all.
5. Married men live longer than single men - but married men are alot more willing to die.
6. Any married man should forget his mistakes - there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
7. Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed. Women somehow deteriorate during the night.
8. A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change and she does.
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.
10. There are two times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage."
Differences in English
Women's English
Yes = No
No = Yes
Maybe = No
I'm sorry = You'll be sorry
We need = I want
It's your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now.
Do what you want = You'll pay for this later
We need to talk = I need to complain
Sure ... go ahead = I don't want you to
I'm not upset = Of course I'm upset, you moron!
You're ... so manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot
You're certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about?
Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs
This kitchen is so inconvenient = I want a new house
I want new curtains = ... and carpeting, and furniture, and
wallpaper
Hang the picture there = NO, I mean hang it there!
I heard a noise = I noticed you were almost asleep
Do you love me = I'm going to ask for something expensive
How much do you love me? = I did something today you're really
not going to like
I'll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game
on TV
Is my butt fat? = Tell me I'm beautiful
You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me
I'm not yelling = Yes I am yelling because I think this is important
Men's English
I'm hungry = I'm hungry
I'm sleepy = I'm sleepy
I'm tired = I'm tired
Do you want to go to a movie = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I take you out to dinner = I'd eventually like to have sex with
you
Can I call you sometime = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
May I have this dance? = I'd eventually like to have sex with you
Nice dress! = Nice tits!
You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to fondle you
What's wrong? = I guess sex tonight is out of the question
I'm bored = Do you want to have sex?
I love you = Let's have sex now
I love you, too = Okay, I said it ... We'd better have sex now!
Yes, I like the way you cut your hair = Okay, I said it ... We'd
better have sex now!
Let's talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep
person and maybe then you'd like to have sex with me
Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex
with other guys
(While shopping): I like that one better = Pick any friggin dress and
let's go home and have sex!"
Differences in Showering
Women
1. Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks.
2. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed flesh and rush to the bathroom.
3. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror and stick out your gut so that you can complain and whine even more about how you're getting fat.
4. Get in the shower. Look for facecloth, arm-cloth, leg-cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone.
5. Wash your hair once with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
6. Wash your hair again with Cucumber and Lamfrey shampoo with 83 added vitamins.
7. Condition your hair with Cucumber and Lamfrey conditioner enhanced with natural crocus oil. Leave on hair for 15 minutes.
8. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red raw.
9. Wash entire rest of body with Ginger Nut and Jaffa Cake body wash.
10. Rinse conditioner off hair (this takes at least fifteen minutes as you must make sure that it has all come off).
11. Shave armpits and legs. Consider shaving bikini area but decide to get it waxed instead.
12. Scream loudly when your boyfriend/husband flushes the toilet and you lose the water pressure.
13. Turn off shower.
14. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex.
15. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small African country. Wrap hair in super absorbent second towel.
16. Check entire body for the remotest sign of a zit. Attack with nails/tweezers if found.
17. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head.
18. If you see your boyfriend/husband along the way, cover up any exposed and then rush to bedroom to spend an hour and a half getting dressed.
Men
1. Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile.
2. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see your girlfriend/wife along the way, flash her making the "woo, woo" sound.
3. Look at your manly physique in the mirror and suck in your gut to see your pecks. Admire the size of your wiener in the mirror, scratch your balls.
4. Get in the shower.
5. Don't bother to look for a washcloth. (you don't use one)
6. Wash your face
7. Wash your armpits
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.
9. Wash your privates and surrounding area.
10. Wash your ass, leaving hair on the soap bar. 11. Shampoo your hair. (do not use conditioner)
12. Make a shampoo Mohawk.
13. Pull back shower curtain and look at yourself in the mirror.
14. Pee (in the shower)
15. Rinse off and get out of the shower. Fail to notice water on the floor because you left the curtain hanging out of the tub when you checked your Mohawk.
16. Partial dry off.
17. Look at yourself in the mirror, flex muscles. Admire wiener size.
18. Leave shower curtain open and wet bath mat on the floor.
19. Leave bathroom fan and light on.
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend/wife, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
21. Throw wet towel on the bed. Take 2 minutes to get dressed.
__________________ Club Mofo Trigger Happy MoFo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Firefly
Capt. Mal: You only have to scare him.
Jayne Cobb: Pain is scary.
1. A man will pay $2 for a $1 item he wants. A woman will pay $1 for a $2 item that she doesn't want.
hahah very true
__________________
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping
Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.~Salvador Dali
Official Ho of club MoFo-always imitated, never duplicated :fluffy:
8. Crack up at how loud your fart sounds in the shower.14. Pee (in the shower)*
9. A woman has the last word in any argument. Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument
I loved those 3
*Note: We can hit the drain in the shower, but we cant hit the toilet...funny. Unlike women, we dont fire from point blank range...we are bound to miss sometimes.
__________________ Club Mofo Trigger Happy MoFo
Quote:
Originally Posted by Firefly
Capt. Mal: You only have to scare him.
Jayne Cobb: Pain is scary.
__________________
Whoever said money can't buy happiness simply didn't know where to go shopping
Have no fear of perfection -- you'll never reach it.~Salvador Dali
Official Ho of club MoFo-always imitated, never duplicated :fluffy:
haha i admire the metal in my wiener does that count
__________________
hot chicks aren't going to be like...."hey i think i'm tired of these buffed guys on stage with big dicks and shaved balls...but wow, check out that fat balding nerd with hair coming out of his turtleneck sitting in the corner there...mmmmm"
For women, shower described is mandatory. All obsessive attention to detail must be performed every time. For men, there is a second, no BS shower option:
Get naked, get in, soap up, jerk off, rinse off, dry off, done.
__________________
Is this forum still full of n00bs learning that you can't boost your daily driver on a part time retail income?
20. Return to the bedroom with towel around your waist. If you pass your girlfriend, pull off the towel, grab your wiener, go "Yeah baby" and thrust your pelvis at her.
Mmmm wet and soapy...
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