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Avtomat Kalashnikov
Join Date: Jan 2003
Location: BFH Parañaque Philippines
Posts: 1,707
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Some thoughts on beer
Some Thoughts on Sex, Beer and Drinking,
by the World's Greatest Scholars
I believe that sex is one of the most beautiful, natural, wholesome things that money can buy.
- Tom Clancy
You know "that look" women get when they want sex? Me neither.
- Steve Martin
Sex without love is a meaningless experience, but as meaningless experiences go, it's pretty damned good.
Drew Carey
Having sex is like playing bridge. If you don't have a good partner, you'd better have a good hand.
- Woody Allen
It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married.
- George Burns
Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope.
- Camille Paglia
There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL convertible.
- Lynn Lavner
Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver."
-- Jack Handy
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
-- Frank Sinatra
The problem with some people is that when they aren't drunk, they're sober.
-- William Butler Yeats
An intelligent man is sometimes forced to be drunk to spend time with his fools.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Always do sober what you said you'd do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.
-- Ernest Hemingway
Time is never wasted when you're wasted all the time.
-- Catherine Zandonella
Abstainer: a weak person who yields to the temptation of denying himself a pleasure.
-- Ambrose Bierce
Drinking provides a beautiful excuse to pursue the one activity that truly gives me pleasure, hooking up with fat, hairy girls.
-- Ross Levy
A woman drove me to drink and I didn't even have the decency to thank her.
-- W.C. Fields
What contemptible scoundrel has stolen the cork to my lunch?
-- W.C. Fields
When I read about the evils of drinking, I gave up reading.
-- Henny Youngman
Life is a waste of time, time is a waste of life, so get wasted all of the time and have the time of your life.
-- Michelle Mastrolacasa
I'd rather have a bottle in front of me, than a frontal lobotomy.
-- Tom Waits
24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence?
-- Stephen Wright
When we drink, we get drunk.
When we get drunk, we fall asleep.
When we fall asleep, we commit no sin.
When we commit no sin, we go to heaven.
Sooooo, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!
-- Brian O'Rourke
You can't be a real country unless you have a beer and an airline. It helps if you have some kind of a football team, or some nuclear weapons, but at the very least you need a beer.
-- Frank Zappa
Always remember that I have taken more out of alcohol than alcohol has taken out of me.
-- Winston Churchill
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
-- Benjamin Franklin
If you ever reach total enlightenment while drinking beer, I bet it makes beer shoot out your nose.
-- Deep Thought, Jack Handy
Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.
-- Dave Barry
The problem with the world is that everyone is a few drinks behind.
-- Humphrey Bogart
Give me a woman who loves beer and I will conquer the world.
-- Kaiser Wilhelm
I would kill everyone in this room for a drop of sweet, tasty beer.
-- Homer Simpson
Not all chemicals are bad. Without chemicals such as hydrogen and oxygen, for example, there would be no way to make water, a vital ingredient in beer.
-- Dave Barry
All right, brain, I don't like you and you don't like me - so let's just do this and I'll get back to killing you with beer.
-- Homer Simpson
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Alcohol Warning Labels
If government is going to put health warning labels on beer, wine and liquor, let's at least have a little truthfulness about the matter!
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with breath that could knock a buzzard off a shit truck at 100 yards.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe that ex-lovers are really dying for you to telephone them at 4 in the morning.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to smash your head in.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay things like thish.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you REALLY THINK while photocopying your butt at the office Christmas party.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may leave you wondering what the heck ever happened to your pants anyway.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to roll over in the morning and see something really scary (whose species and/or name you can't remember).
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, more handsome, and smarter than some really, really, really big biker guy named "Big Al."
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may make you think you can logically converse with others without spitting.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to believe you are invisible. Or can fly.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may lead you to think people are laughing WITH you.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause an influx in the time-space continuum, whereby small and sometimes large gaps of time may seem to literally disappear.
WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may actually CAUSE pregnancy.
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And, lest we forget the poor cows...
Check out the anti-human humbugs of PETA and their proof that beer is better than milk
Some selections therefrom:
A nutritional comparison of beer and milk reveals that:
Beer has zero fat; milk is loaded with fat. [Help the government busybodies help you meet your USDA recommended Fat Maximums!]
Beer has zero cholesterol; milk contains 20 mg of cholesterol in every 8-oz. serving. [HDL, LDL, I'm so confused - because I drink lots of beer!]
Beer doesn't contain hormones or antibiotics, while milk contains an ever-increasing variety of the pesticides and antibiotics fed to cows, including rBGH, the notorious growth hormone that can give guys breasts. [Oh, so that's where they came from. Icky-poo! And here I thought it was because I'm fat]
Beer has half a gram of fiber in every cup; milk has no fiber whatsoever. [That's why you get the beer shits the next morning - it keeps you regular]
Beer has only 12 mg of sodium per cup. Milk is sky-high in the stuff. [I was sky high once, and Bill and I didn't even inhale]
Beer has 3 grams of complex carbohydrates in a 12-oz. glass; milk has no complex carbohydrates. [Just simple sugars, which convert to fat during digestion]
" I like my beer with a big juicy steak."
Ted M., Prez, PETA (People who enjoy Tasting Animals)
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